I applied for jobs like this my whole life.

Of course they weren’t worded like this but if I put on magic glasses and could see the truth behind the illusions of the glamour I was seeking — I would have seen this in writing.

And nobody was to blame, myself included.

I was just playing out adult life as the child I once was, trying to look good, do good, be good, work hard, be polite, be pleasing, be acceptable, say the right things (according to whom I don’t even know), be professional, hide my feelings, work my guts out to be loved, to be safe, to be wanted, to fit in, to feel home….

As an adult I drank, smoked, shopped, ate away my stress at night, put so many whitening eye- drops in my dead- tired red eyes that I am surprised I never blinded myself.

I went to ‘interesting’ places on weekends just to say I did something interesting to colleagues at the coffee machine on Monday morning when all I really had the energy for was to hide under my duvet.

We have all been living a life we were told would make us happy.

Unmet dreams of our parents, their fears, their insecurities were projected onto us and we have lived them out, til now.

We have tried and tried and tried and tired and tried and tried.

And guess what?

It doesn’t work does it? It just doesn’t.

When we are most lost, down and unhappy we will find it is because we are following somebody else’s idea of what life should look like and trying to please ‘others’ instead of following our own big, beautiful, pure and truthful hearts.

I read it’s never too late to have a happy childhood and it’s never too late to change direction.

When it’s hard and you have to force and hustle, that is not a sign to try even harder.

It’s a sign you might be like Nelly the elephant, who on one fine and glorious day hears the call of a wild elephant in the jungle and she decides to leave the circus.

Maybe you’re not supposed to be performing.

Maybe you’re just supposed to be somewhere else, being yourself, in a more natural environment with more natural people

And with no clowns.

#authenticity #innerchild #selfbelief #healingtrauma #purpose